Feb 6, 2014

The Moment I Knew

I've been gone for awhile.  Blogging really hasn't been on my interest list lately.  Actually, creativity in general has been like a black hole with a big question mark floating in the middle.  Truth be told I've been struggling for a long time but still managed to pull through and post last fall and into the Christmas season.  Once January hit though, I had to step back and face the issues that I've been trying so hard to pretend didn't exist.

Is it depression?  Ya, maybe.
Do I miss my dad?  Every day! Losing him has been much harder than I let on
Am I worried about my kids?  Always
Am I reconsidering friendships?  Sadly, yes (were they really friendships? Not sure)
Other than my little family of 5, do I feel alone?  Totally, completely!
Is my faith suffering? Yup!
Do people just like me because of what I can do and not because of who I am?  Seems that way

So, there it is.  The seven questions that I had to seriously address and answer honestly and it was really hard.  Not facing these issues was just adding to the problem. Every bit of joy that I would normally get doing the things I love, was gone.  I used to love to create!  Didn't matter what it was, creating was my thing.  It was my stress relief, and in some ways it was my identity too, but over the last few months it just added more stress.  So I stopped.  I closed up the shop.  Both the photo business I did with my hubs and my Etsy shop. Closed!

(Nail polish creatures)

Kent has known for awhile that things have been troubling me. He will ask if I'm ok and my answer is always "Ya, I'm fine.  I'm just struggling right now". He knows that really means "I'M A TICKING TIME BOMB - WATCH OUT!"   So, being ever patient, he just waited for that moment when it would all spew out. 

That spew moment started on Sunday as a small bubbling.  I left church early, came home and cried but pulled it together enough to welcome my family home with a smile.  The small bubbling of spew continued but wasn't very evident to anyone but me until I got home from work on Monday.  Then I lost it.  It was a full-on eruption!  I spewed it all on Mr. K.  Everything from worrying about the perplexing comment my brother made months ago after my dads funeral to feeling frustrated with my faith to acknowledging that I am full on struggling with everything from people I know to living too normal of a life.  I verbally expressed through tears every single worry I had had and admitted I missed my quirk and the joy I used to feel in making things.  It was a very emotional and heart wrenching moment.    

(chick leg turned fish)

So, what's the point of admitting this to you?  It's about being genuine.  Pretending everything is ok never did anybody any good and I want to have a reminder that sometimes this happens and it will happen again. 

There is this section along the Wyoming interstate that is called the "sisters".  The Sisters are two really steep hills that aren't far from the Utah border. You drive up one, your car slows due to the incline and when you reach the top you look out and you can see the other hill in the distance. The road that connects the two travels straight down into the valley and then, you repeat the incline, your car slows again as it climbs.  It's an up-down-up-down trip for several miles.  That's like life too, isn't it?  It is certainly what has been happening to me for the last few months. Luckily, just like that road in Wyoming, the steep inclines eventually give way to flat land and consistent driving.  The ups and down will fade, I need to remember that.

I also share because I want to remember the moment.  

I had a moment the other night, thanks to my Miss M, that brought me back and I felt true and simple joy. So much so that I giggled and squirmed happily in my seat and I could feel the burning desire to create returning to my soul.  

It was the moment I knew I was going to be ok.

You are probably wondering what any of this has to do with these little works of silly art.  Well, besides adding much needed visual interest in a sea of text, these little creations were my saving grace.  The process of making silly, simple art - if you can call them art - sparked something in me.

(tomato dress - now, that's high fashion)

It was a simple process of going through magazines, selecting interesting shapes and pictures, like the tomatoes above, cutting them out, gluing them into a sketch book and then turning them into something else with some simple line art.   Easy, right?!

So, my point.  If you have these dark moments like I did, do something simple.  Don't set expectations, don't try to be a genius.  Just grab some old magazines, some scissors, some glue and a pencil and go MAKE something.  You'll be glad you did! Oh, and talking to someone you trust helps too!