May 6, 2011

Mother's Day, It's Bittersweet

Mother's day is a bittersweet for me.  I love that I get to enjoy handmade trinkets, crayon drawn art and hugs from my kids. But mostly though, Mother's Day just reminds me the my own mother is gone.

I am a motherless mother.

This year is particularly hard for me because my twins are 9.  I was 9 when my mom died and the thought of them being motherless at this age is unfathomable.  The thought of me being motherless at 9 is unfathomable.  Yet, 28 years later, I'm here and I'm ok.   

I've stumbled, ungracefully, into my own.  I managed to learn how to make Ramen, floss, and do my own laundry.  I navigated through boy issues and mean friends.  I found my faith and I became a mother myself.  I'm proud of myself for becoming me but I often wonder how different I'd be if she was helping me along the way.  I wonder what she would have said when I had my first kiss, or came home engaged.   Or moved to a far away state.  Mostly I wonder what kind of grandma she'd be to my three girls.  

I'm jealous of women who have great relationships with their mothers and I'm sorrowful for those that are bitter, rude, and unappreciative to theirs.

I said mothers day was bittersweet.  The sweet part is in being a mother myself.  I'm not the best mother.  I fail miserably some days and succeed greatly on others but I love my girls and I love being a mom.  I have realized that I probably cherish being a mom so much because I missed out on having my own mom around. 

So, for those of you that are not motherless mothers like me, I hope you will step back and truly look into the heart of your mother-daughter relationship.  Look for the little things that bind you to her, the similarities, the quirks.  Look at the accomplishments you've achieved that you know are a direct result of your mother's supporting hand.  Then, love her with everything you have because you never know when you will be a motherless mother like me.

Note:  The scrapbook layout above shows only one of three or so photos I have of me and my mom, just us, together.  Be sure to take photos of you and your mom.  Take them even if you are having a bad hair day or you feel fat or you don't have make-up on.  Take them because someday you will want those photos, you will want to be reminded of your relationship with her.