Feb 6, 2014

The Moment I Knew


I've been gone for awhile.  Blogging really hasn't been on my interest list lately.  Actually, creativity in general has been like a black hole with a big question mark floating in the middle.  Truth be told I've been struggling for a long time but still managed to pull through and post last fall and into the Christmas season.  Once January hit though, I had to step back and face the issues that I've been trying so hard to pretend didn't exist.

Is it depression?  Ya, maybe.
Do I miss my dad?  Every day! Losing him has been much harder than I let on
Am I worried about my kids?  Always
Am I reconsidering friendships?  Sadly, yes (were they really friendships? Not sure)
Other than my little family of 5, do I feel alone?  Totally, completely!
Is my faith suffering? Yup!
Do people just like me because of what I can do and not because of who I am?  Seems that way

So, there it is.  The seven questions that I had to seriously address and answer honestly and it was really hard.  Not facing these issues was just adding to the problem. Every bit of joy that I would normally get doing the things I love, was gone.  I used to love to create!  Didn't matter what it was, creating was my thing.  It was my stress relief, and in some ways it was my identity too, but over the last few months it just added more stress.  So I stopped.  I closed up the shop.  Both the photo business I did with my hubs and my Etsy shop. Closed!


(Nail polish creatures)

Kent has known for awhile that things have been troubling me. He will ask if I'm ok and my answer is always "Ya, I'm fine.  I'm just struggling right now". He knows that really means "I'M A TICKING TIME BOMB - WATCH OUT!"   So, being ever patient, he just waited for that moment when it would all spew out. 

That spew moment started on Sunday as a small bubbling.  I left church early, came home and cried but pulled it together enough to welcome my family home with a smile.  The small bubbling of spew continued but wasn't very evident to anyone but me until I got home from work on Monday.  Then I lost it.  It was a full-on eruption!  I spewed it all on Mr. K.  Everything from worrying about the perplexing comment my brother made months ago after my dads funeral to feeling frustrated with my faith to acknowledging that I am full on struggling with everything from people I know to living too normal of a life.  I verbally expressed through tears every single worry I had had and admitted I missed my quirk and the joy I used to feel in making things.  It was a very emotional and heart wrenching moment.    

(chick leg turned fish)


So, what's the point of admitting this to you?  It's about being genuine.  Pretending everything is ok never did anybody any good and I want to have a reminder that sometimes this happens and it will happen again. 

There is this section along the Wyoming interstate that is called the "sisters".  The Sisters are two really steep hills that aren't far from the Utah border. You drive up one, your car slows due to the incline and when you reach the top you look out and you can see the other hill in the distance. The road that connects the two travels straight down into the valley and then, you repeat the incline, your car slows again as it climbs.  It's an up-down-up-down trip for several miles.  That's like life too, isn't it?  It is certainly what has been happening to me for the last few months. Luckily, just like that road in Wyoming, the steep inclines eventually give way to flat land and consistent driving.  The ups and down will fade, I need to remember that.

(catbunny)
I also share because I want to remember the moment.  

I had a moment the other night, thanks to my Miss M, that brought me back and I felt true and simple joy. So much so that I giggled and squirmed happily in my seat and I could feel the burning desire to create returning to my soul.  

It was the moment I knew I was going to be ok.

You are probably wondering what any of this has to do with these little works of silly art.  Well, besides adding much needed visual interest in a sea of text, these little creations were my saving grace.  The process of making silly, simple art - if you can call them art - sparked something in me.

(tomato dress - now, that's high fashion)

It was a simple process of going through magazines, selecting interesting shapes and pictures, like the tomatoes above, cutting them out, gluing them into a sketch book and then turning them into something else with some simple line art.   Easy, right?!


So, my point.  If you have these dark moments like I did, do something simple.  Don't set expectations, don't try to be a genius.  Just grab some old magazines, some scissors, some glue and a pencil and go MAKE something.  You'll be glad you did! Oh, and talking to someone you trust helps too!

11 comments:

jackie said...

I love you lady, and miss our conversations! Call me anytime. And trust me, losing your dad WILL get less painful - it takes time. And there are moments/days/weeks that I still get sad, and it's been 6 years. BUT what makes me happy is still talking to him - sometimes in my head, sometimes out loud, and knowing he's looking down on me smiling...reminding me that all of this stuff isn't important and that we'll see each other again. If I remind myself that he's closer than I think, I feel he is.

jackie said...

I love you lady, and miss our conversations! Call me anytime. And trust me, losing your dad WILL get less painful - it takes time. And there are moments/days/weeks that I still get sad, and it's been 6 years. BUT what makes me happy is still talking to him - sometimes in my head, sometimes out loud, and knowing he's looking down on me smiling...reminding me that all of this stuff isn't important and that we'll see each other again. If I remind myself that he's closer than I think, I feel he is.

Karen said...

I think that you are very brave for writing this. It took courage to put your true feelings "out there" for everyone to see. Although I don't know you personally, that courage and strength is what is going to help you. And we all struggle with faith; we wouldn't be human if we didn't. Thank you for being yourself and writing from your heart. Your creativity has always inspired me, and I'm sure it will bring you joy again. You are in my prayers.

Lisa said...

I've worried about your silence lately and prayed for you. I'm sorry you're walking through these places. Thank you for your shares - each part is a treasure. I hope you find all your joys again.

beth jillette said...

Thank you so much!! Your honesty touched me. I am struggling with life's ups and downs myself and your post was incredibly well timed for me. I pray we find our way through.

Anonymous said...

With time, it doesn't hurt less, just less often. Thank you for sharing; It's helped me realize I am not alone.

Julie said...

Sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time. I sympathize with you on many levels and believe that things will get easier for you. You have so much strength (demonstrated by your post) and by the comments by your followers you add a lot to our lives with your creativeness. Thinking of you!

judyanne said...

Thank you for your honesty, I felt your sincerity and pain. I have also been in a fog, so many dramatic things in my life evolving and I carry them with a heavy heart. They were so unexpected and happening to the youngest members of my family. I too, experience that loss of inspiration and am the very happiest when I create. I do watercolors and it is kind of a strange relationship I have with painting. It makes me feel great to paint and I have to feel great to paint. Luckily, I have a group of folks that I paint with and they inspire me we meet briefly once a week. I am going to take. you up on the challenge to pick up some magazines, glue, and pencil. Today, on my 67th birthday you gave me a present.. Thanks for that! Judy

IamUniquelyImperfect said...

Please know that you are not alone, there are plenty of us that feel the same way. I thank God everyday that my mom is still in my life. She knows and understands me better than anyone. I recently started doodling which has helped keep my mojo going. Feel free to share, there are those of us here that are very good listeners. Love Ya' Take Care, God Bless Patricia B

Jeni said...

I'm a quiet observer of most of your blog posts, but couldn't just let this one go by. I'm sorry that you are feeling so alone, let down by friends, and dealing with the pain of missing your dad. I'm not someone you know personally, but I've taken a lot of what you've written over the years to heart. You are very brave to continually post your honest feelings - I greatly admire that about you. I really look up to you and your walk with God and your faith, as well.

I have struggled in the new year as well. Health issues for me have caused me to feel broken and useless. I hadn't felt like creating anything, because of these issues. This weekend, after reading your post the first time, I decided to create a dress for myself. Not for anyone else, but something that would make me smile. I've smiled more this weekend than I had for all of January.

Basically, thank you for continuing to be open and genuine. I know things are tough right now, and I will continue to be praying for you and your family, but I hope that the darkest moments are behind you.

Karen M said...

Know that you are not alone. It is easier said than done, but know it is true. Your light may have dimmed but it shines in your creativity! Prayers and good thoughts.