Feb 20, 2014

If you only had 20 minutes

Tomorrow I will be getting in a rental car and driving 7+ hours to say a final good-bye to another family member.  It's a drive that I don't want to make.  It's a drive that I didn't expect to have to make just six months after losing my dad.

I made that drive for him and now I am making that drive for his beloved wife of 28 years.

I found out today that once I'm there, I can only have 20 minutes of visit time.  How do you wrap up 28 years with someone you love in only 20 minutes?  Do I start with  "thank you for marrying my dad!"  or "remember that time you made me a prom dress..."

What would you say to someone who has been a pivotal part of your life, who guided you, loved you, and taught you, if you only had 20 minutes?

I will probably say nothing more than "I love you and thank you" and those words, although they can be powerful at times, they seem so small in a situation like this.

I am devastated.

Feb 13, 2014

It's ok, I'm ok!

(photo and poster credit unknown - found it on Pinterest!)

It's ok.

I'm ok.

I can not thank you enough for the love that you sent to me. If you think about it, Blogland is a strange place. How is it that people I don't even know can touch my heart and lift my spirits in ways that I didn't think was possible?  You reminded me that I'm not alone. My worries, my fears, my struggles - everyone has them and it doesn't mean I'm damaged or flawed or ruined.  It just means that I'm normal.

So, THANK YOU!  I am just now starting to reply to messages, I appreciated them all so much but some of them touched my heart so much that I tear up when I try to write so I had to table my responses until I could respond clearly.  Your stories and your experiences are uplifting, thank you for commenting both here and for sending me private messages, I appreciate all the love!

Am I out of the woods?  No.  Do I still struggle?  Yes  But it's ok.  The good news is I'm heading in the right direction.  I did open my shop again which means that creativity is returning, even if it's returning slowly.

With all my heart,
Thank you!

Feb 6, 2014

The Moment I Knew

I've been gone for awhile.  Blogging really hasn't been on my interest list lately.  Actually, creativity in general has been like a black hole with a big question mark floating in the middle.  Truth be told I've been struggling for a long time but still managed to pull through and post last fall and into the Christmas season.  Once January hit though, I had to step back and face the issues that I've been trying so hard to pretend didn't exist.

Is it depression?  Ya, maybe.
Do I miss my dad?  Every day! Losing him has been much harder than I let on
Am I worried about my kids?  Always
Am I reconsidering friendships?  Sadly, yes (were they really friendships? Not sure)
Other than my little family of 5, do I feel alone?  Totally, completely!
Is my faith suffering? Yup!
Do people just like me because of what I can do and not because of who I am?  Seems that way

So, there it is.  The seven questions that I had to seriously address and answer honestly and it was really hard.  Not facing these issues was just adding to the problem. Every bit of joy that I would normally get doing the things I love, was gone.  I used to love to create!  Didn't matter what it was, creating was my thing.  It was my stress relief, and in some ways it was my identity too, but over the last few months it just added more stress.  So I stopped.  I closed up the shop.  Both the photo business I did with my hubs and my Etsy shop. Closed!