Aug 27, 2013

My Home

As per usual, I always warn my dear blog readers when I'm about to share a personal post - consider yourself warned.  No crafts today just the words that have been bouncing around in my heavy heart, they need a landing place.  Continue reading if you'd like but if you comment, please be kind.  


One night, about three weeks ago, I woke up in the middle of the night feeling very unsettled.  I had just had a bad dream.  Not a scary dream just a very unsettling dream.  In my dream I had been away and upon returning found out that my home had been destroyed - removed might be a better description as there was nothing there, just a bare spot that had once been a home.  My family, Mr. K and the girls, were safe but everything else was lost.  We went to the site of our home hoping to find something.  Anything.  As we surveyed the site though, it was pretty hopeless.  The site was completely bare.  No remains of a structure anywhere.  There was nothing left.  I was just about to give up when I looked up and saw a small marble plaque I had purchased on a family trip when I was 13, it was just sitting on top of the dirt like it had been there all along.  It was clean, unharmed and untouched. The plaque, which is a real thing, is special to me because it was the first bigger ticket item I purchased with my own money and it has a carved picture of Christ on it. I've kept this plaque by my bed since I was 13.  I remember feeling such a sadness and despair in my dream - my home was gone.  The feeling in the dream was deep rooted in sorrow and then when I found my plaque, even though everything else was gone and I had no home, there was a feeling of hope and joy.

I woke up carrying both the feeling of despair and joy with me and I laid awake feeling completely unsettled  for a long time. I couldn't sleep so I tried to analyze it but couldn't make any sense of it.  Eventually I fell back to sleep.  I was still thinking about it in the morning though and so I decided to write the dream down. I put it in my journal and then I went about my day and quickly forgot all about that dream.

Three weeks later, as I read what I had recorded in my journal,  I understand that dream so much more clearly.  I wonder a lot about that dream and why I had it.  Did my subconscious know what was coming? Was it a spiritual experience?  Was I being prepared for something?  Was it a message about the bigger picture in life and eternity?  Was it a reminder to get my priorities straight?  I think I know the answer but I will keep those thoughts to myself.

So what's the importance of this dream?  Well, since my home in the dream was removed let me tell you about my concept of home.


This man, my dad, he has always been my home.

Having split my life as a kid between two physical homes and communities, neither of which I really felt rooted in, I always just associated the actual idea of "Home" as being wherever he was.  Home to me wasn't a physical structure, it was just him.  He was my home.  He was where I belonged.  He was where I was loved.  Even after I got married and created a life with my husband, had kids, moved a few times and now, even being settled in Colorado, when I'm asked about "home", it's still my dad.

I got word a few weeks ago that something wasn't right and he wasn't doing well, then a week later he got admitted into the hospital and for five days we, as a family, surrounded him and loved him the best we could but we knew it wasn't good.  The reality of the situation was heavy and on Saturday my Dad, my home, left this earth.

I did pretty good most of the week, my emotions were certainly always on the surface and the tears flowed regularly but it wasn't until Saturday, just an hour before he left us, that the reality of my home being gone actually hit.  I literally broke down and I couldn't deal with the loneliness that weighed so heavy on my heart. I tried to run away from it.  I wanted to escape the pain and I didn't want to face reality.  It was so hard.

As I look back to last week and even to just three days ago when he passed, I find it interesting that all along there was a sense of peace that was partnered with the pain.  It's so hard to explain.  I hurt so bad, the pain was definitely more dominate yet at the same time, I had a great sense of peace, too.  Life is temporary.  I know this, I always have, but the relationships we create, even if the person isn't physically with us, continues on.  Much like in my dream, when I found my plaque with the picture of Christ on it, and felt relief, it's the same for me now.  I find relief and joy in my belief that even though this life is temporary, families are eternal. And, it's through Christ that it is possible that I will be able to be with my dad again, and then, when it's time, we will both be home!


"Where we love is home - home that our feet may leave, 
but not our hearts!"  - Oliver Wendell Holmes


23 comments:

backonland.com said...

So sorry for your loss! I lost my dad over ten years ago, and I still miss him think of him every single day.

Linda L. said...

Oh, Amy, I'm so sorry to hear this - he was so important in your life. I can never understand what you're going through but I lost my dad who was the constant in my life almost twenty years ago. It was hard to bear at first and I don't think you ever get over it. About a week after he died, I was out in the community where I grew up and saw a farm that belonged to people we knew that was up for sale. My first thought was that I would have to call my dad when I got home - then it hit me that I couldn't do that any more and I had to pull off the road. Those things still happen but I also see him in my daughter through an expression she'll use or a way she'll move her head. Then I realise that, while in one sense he's not here any more, he still lives on in us.
Bless you and be strong.

Anonymous said...

He has such a kind face and looks like a wonderful man. I'm sorry for your loss and thankful that you shared your thoughts on the blog. I too, have been through this, but still feel my Dad's presence in my life every single day. Your dad built a foundation for you to stand on and your grief is justified. Be sad and know that it's because your love for each other was so great.

beth jillette said...

My heart hurts for you, it aches. My Dad is 86 and he is the most loving and faithful person I know.
You and your family are in my prayers

sllvncookie@aol.com said...

I'm so sorry about your dad,Prayers for you & your family,God Bless.....

Judy said...

If it weren't for the fact that some feelings would be very hurt, that could be your talk. It is so perfect a way to describe your relationship, keep that in your heart, forever, print it out and see it every day, or put it with your plaque as the constant reminder that you will all be "home" one day. I am crying. xoxo

sarah said...

I'm so sorry for your loss ... you have made me cry ... as I feel your pain, I feel the pain of losing my dad 7 yrs ago. No one can replace a dad, but we are fortunate to have the hope of reuniting with them in our eternal home through Jesus. For which I am grateful! Sarah S

Amy said...

So sorry for your loss, Amy! I am so glad you are finding some peace & comfort in Jesus.

Kelli said...

I'm sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Nancy said...

Oh Amy, what a beautifully written about your Dad! I lost my Dad 14 years but still feel his presence. Our Dads are our rock and as you said, our home. where we can always find comfort and peace. May you and your family be filled with the peace and grace that our wonderful God can provide. Bless you for sharing your Dad with us!

Shalana Frisby said...

Beautiful post about your dad and the meaning of family. Thank you for sharing. And so very sorry for your loss.

Katrina said...

Amy, I am so sorry for your loss. I am sure, from reading your blog for a while now, that you and your husband are providing that same concept of home for your beautiful girls. Hang in there knowing God will one day bring us all Home together for an eternity!

Pretty Knitty said...

Doesn't matter how old a girl is...when she loses her dad, it's so very difficult. Praying strength, comfort and peace for you, and glad that you'll see him again...at Home.

Diva Mom said...

Oh, bless you. I know you are hurting. Lost my sweet Dad on Dec. 26th and I still have to stop myself from calling him when I hear something he would enjoy. It is hard to lose your families' "rock". Found this recently on Pinterest... "God, who created your heart, can most definitely heal it." Amen- so we go on and remember what was special about our Dad's and hope to fill their shoes somehow... no matter how large. Praying for you and your family!

Anonymous said...

What a beautiful testament to the loving relationship you and your dad shared; thank you for sharing him with us.

Anonymous said...

Home is where your heart is!!! Trite, no comforting words, but this old saying that holds so much truth! Blessings on you Amy and your family.

gayle-rn said...

I can certainly relate Amy;I lost my Dad 10 days after my 6th b'day and hurt more as I got older as I was the 1st girl in the family since his sister-my sweet aunt. I had a special place in my dad's heart as he in mine.Then about 8yrs later my mom remarried.My new dad was wonderful to myself,my older brother,and younger sister along with his 5 children.He always had time in his heart for me.We became quite close over the years and I found him to be such a sweet and honorable man. He was such a good man. Unfortunetly he passed 4yrs ago and I hurt once again but in my heart both my dads are in a wonderful painless places with the LORD.For that I am grateful.Amy,you have wonderful memories that no one can take away from you. god Bless you and stay strong.

Sarah said...

May your memories and the love of those around you help you find peace.

Beth Dancy said...

I lost my brother 8/3. Prayer of peace to you.

Caroline said...

Oh Amy, I'm so so sorry for your loss :( Love, Hugs and Prayers <3

Pam said...

I am so sorry about the passing of your dad...yet at the same time I am so encouraged by what you shared! I believe firmly that this is what we, the church, are meant to do...share how the Lord speaks and moves in our lives to encourage others and even in the difficult times (especially in the difficult times) to share how His peace really does pass all understanding . I believe your dream was a special dream from the Lord...one you can hold on to and look to as just one more of the many, many ways He personally cares about you and your sorrows. Love in Christ, Pam

Dawn McCray said...

Amy, I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

clara said...

Oh my friend. Such a loss is hard to bear. The "good news" brings some peace but you will still miss him. I am reminded of how Pres. Hinckley was so sad when his wife passed not because he didn't know where she was but simply because he was going to miss her while they were apart. Having lost my father 20 years ago, I can tell you there are times I still really miss him. I miss that my kids won't know him and how rascally he could be, his great whistling, his ability to make anything work by tinkering with it. But they do know who he is by stories. Telling them stories helps me remember him. He wasn't perfect by any means, but he was my daddy. I pray for peace in your heart and faith to know he is about his father's work. loves and hugs